Jeff_

It was a bit difficult for a couple of days. The aircon hasn't worked since last friday and in Thailand it is pretty hard. The weather is hot and humid, it is not only unpleasant but also irritating. What is irritating? Just all my schedule is pretty much out of the window and I have to adjust. I am not good at adjusting and being flexible. Also there are smaller irritating things which are usually there everyday.

There has been flooding too, which luckily pretty much didn’t impact my life. But better to not write about luck and anything related. Things going their own way and reaction to them is pretty much point of view. The way I react to them is depending on me: my beliefs, my feelings and my habits. For sure I’ve been quite lucky and many times everything aligns my way.

Last weekend I went over some blogs. It is both motivating and also a bit demotivating. Motivation part is to become better, to improve, there is a lot of money to make and opportunities to take.
Not motivating - it doesn't matter where you are - there will be people who are gonna make you feel a little bitter about your life. Not necessarily by logic and mind, more by feeling and heart. Comparison, a little bit of envy and jealousy. ''I want it too!''
Anyway across the board - highstakes crusher who making his best month, low stakes big winners, crazy volume 3-max/hu battlers, many others. It is good to see people actually win, if we think about it. But also still gonna make me feel even a little bit down. I always tend to compare myself with other, try to do better and be better.
It is more difficult to have a learner mindset and be open minded. Learn from the best instead of rising ego and expectations.

I played this spot some time ago. It is so painful to see the fold - two pairs in such a massive pot. Obviously it was similar to missclick - timing out. Actually I recalled wanting to make a decision at the last second because this spot is hard but seems like I overdid it

This one was rather trivial but made me angry. Was mad at his size mostly, which is an interesting thing. Also I had some expectations towards this table and I thought that guy is rec. Reaction after losing was strong annoyance and irritation and of course he left soon after :(

Interesting, seems a bit thin to me vs reg but checking also feels mehh

Similiar to previous but here I like checking (against reg as well)

Last one is super annoying, hard to let go of the hand but calling also doesn't seems nice. Like flop is bad, turn is bad and river is better but we will see shove here always right?

I am thinking a bit, why some things are helping only for some time and after their effect diminish.

Probably because of being a rigid and unelastic person. Changes are hard, unpleasant and discomforting. Essentially mind trying to balance it back when you move it in one direction.
Also another reason is just doing the same things and using the same habits, patterns and behave similarly in the same situation. Besides, reactions to events are also gonna be same.

Additionally, I can talk about the effect of new things. Some things are helpful at first, but with time they just fade away more and more. For example some mantra or guideline words. Actually I don’t like them because for me they tend to get into rumination and that’s a bit too much and tiring.

Lastly in my opinion it is like ‘‘sweeping the floor’’, you need to do it regularly. Otherwise it will get dusty quite fast. At the same time when everything is smooth in life and ‘‘you see the floor being clean you aren’t really gonna sweep it while it is clean.’’

It has been quite a busy couple of days. Actually everyday I can be busy and that looks totally normal to me. I like when it is planned and I find myself better if I am doing something productive. Even rest is usually planned ahead. I was studying on Saturday and that did make me more confident and also feel better in general. I looked over the hands I played last month and they were decent. I studied over 3bet and SRP and it was interesting.
Besides, I found mistakes and missplayed hands from the best regs. That’s motivating and it shows that you can win and do very good - even if you aren’t perfect. Honestly, the comparison is quite big for me and I’ve mentioned it while talking with my psychologist.

He said: ‘‘Yes, those regs are very good and they can be better in poker. You don’t know them and you don’t know their lives. Their skillset and everything else. It is not about winning the most, right?
You also have many excellent qualities and for sure can be better in some other things. Poker is not everything - you aren’t living in poker and spending your whole life. Everyday you go out from it.’’

Good to remind myself about it. We aren’t measuring our worth and values based on poker skill. We don't call ourselves happy based on how much we win. That’s true - actually after good winning months I didn’t feel so much joy. Just acknowledge and continue.

I have also been spending time with ChatGPT, talking about the mental area and learning and understanding myself more. There are four things which causing stress and tension for me:
1. Afraid of not being good as I think about myself. Losing, mistakes, not knowing something or facing some extremely hard games, playing bad. That's gonna make me think I am not good and my ego will suffer as I am really tied with the game. I’ve studied a lot, I’ve invested a lot, yet failed - that's quite hurtful.
2. Fear of the future. Mistakes, blunders, losing feeling like a threat and danger to well being and my safety and comfort.
Now my body is reacting to it, making me tense, focus, concentrate and really put everything into it.
3. Perfectionist standards. I don't really like being wrong, I see it as failure and collapse. I have to do things right, everywhere and everything. Why? That's another question.
Losing, mistakes, bad plays feels like failing to live up to those high standards.
4. Emotional pain avoidance. I just don’t want to feel those strong emotions and discomfort. Stress and anxiety prevent them from coming - by doing my absolute best and trying harder. If you play great you aren’t gonna feel regret because why? You did your best. So there are less emotions afterwards.

Phew, it was a long post again. It started small but I continued the next day and added more. Heh, let's go like this. Also listening to agus podcast, he seems quite a smart and decent person. I enjoyed the conversation and learned a couple of things. When he mentioned about balanced and exploitative approach, being excited about the game, endless possibilities for growth and more.

This weekend I'm taking two days off and taking a trip to Kao Yay, which is a national park with a beautiful view and a lot of nature and green things. Gonna rest and relax, try to be present, mindful and enjoy the moment. There are gonna be plenty of things to do there and time as always gonna run quite fast. Well, that's okay.

Actually when I got older I became even more of a home person. For me staying home and doing things there is quite exciting and a great time. It's good to go out of your comfort zone and expand it from time to time. Anyway, that's it for now.

Good luck

Well I might say windows 11 (except that it can be bit more heavy in terms of taking processor/ram power) - seems quite lovely to me. I like it so far.
Annoying part was transition and adjusting everything. After it is done - I'm enjoying.

That's a good question to be honest. Let me think about it, I will come back

I was quite busy last weekend. I made the transition from windows 10 to windows 11. To be honest it was a lot harder than I expected, because of many issues and problems coming along the way. Actually the process is pretty much straight forward, but many things come up along the way. In the end I spent like 15 hours just installing it and adjusting (also backing up everything before). Additionally I spent around 8 hours upgrading to hand2note 4 and personalising it for myself.
So I just skipped Monday to finish everything.
Was pretty tilting and hopeless sometimes. Like on the hard poker days, where things didn’t go your way.

Anyway, even though I did everything pretty well, there are still issues left and which are bothering me. Computer problems are really discomforting and they can be uncertain where you aren’t exactly sure what is the reason and trying to solve it is difficult. If it remains unsolved, it is like bitter aftertaste everywhere.
Well, I don’t think I deal well with some problems. It is eating me and increasing suffering.

On the bright side - I like the Windows 11 interface, I like how it looks and available options. It is looking more smooth than 10, which seems edgy. HN4 also looks good and probably has many nice features, of course some are missing and need to adjust. But also I expected it to be worse.

For now I just want to play and study, I want to focus on that and not think about anything else. Exercise, sleep, play, rest, study and keep learning day by day. That would be very nice and I would love that. For sure I got a bit behind in studies and also mental games. Doesn’t mean that you always need to be motivated, excited and pumped up, but when you are not, it is good to pick up direction and start to move forward.

Even if things do not go as I want, even if I have issues. I want to do my best and show good effort. I know I can, I know I can focus, I can find interest and happiness in everything as it is.

Good luck

Hello, yes I've watched before. I can say they were helping but with time effect just becoming less. Especially after tough periods.
Also I've been consistenly working with specialist and can say same thing about it.

thank you!
sometimes voice in the head is bit too strong and it is keep repeating things - ''I am unlucky'' ''I am cursed'' and etc.

August

Untracked minus 1500$, making it total -5k

Thoughts and ideas:
1. I want to play better than other players, win against them and be superior. It doesn’t need to get fixed, just being aware of EGO and noticing when it is rising and what it saying to me
2. There is no such moment, when there is no need to work on myself and learn something. Always will be areas and opportunities for growth and improvement
3. When I have strong emotions, irritation, tension or stress it is hard to be in the present, unpleasant and discomforting. Avoiding? Running away? Wishing it will pass faster?
4. I noticed if I have high tension and try hard, I might overconcentrate and give all attention to my own strategy. If I am trying to play ideally and avoid mistakes, usually I play a little worse than normally and it is harder to think and have clarity. Ideal play does not guarantee winnings!
5. After lose: ‘‘What happened?’’ ‘‘Did I fail?’’ ‘‘Where is the mistake?’’ ‘‘What I should’ve done differently?’’ ‘‘Why it happened?’’ ‘‘How to fix it?’’ (Fix - concentrate better, try harder, focus more)
6. I feel quite emotional and overthinking vs aggressive lines

Targets: Not complain or talk about results during the day where I am
losing money. Ways - 30 days habit challenge; mindfulness and
accepting this moment; marking non material wins

I tried hard this month and played to the maximum of my ability and focus. I gave my best and maybe even more than that. Also proportionally played more hard and difficult games. Besides, I made a good effort out of tables, learning and analyzing different situations. I still have many things to work on and stuff to do, many plans. I will learn step by step, keep learning.

Regulars playing quite well, nevertheless making mistakes too and playing imperfectly. I saw some very smart plays and some non-optimials as well. I also saw many recreational players. And action sometimes was very nice. Sometimes it was dry too :(

Emotionally it was hard and felt unhappy for a prolonged period of time. Sad and low interest. Motivation also was like a wave. At the end of month I reduced my suffering a bit. Which is good.

Good luck in September
Happy Autumn

I was playing poker today and caught myself feeling a bit tight and pressured to play ‘‘good’’. Playing good for me personally is a balanced, unexploitable and solid strategy. When I am losing I try hard to come back to playing ‘‘good’’. Stressed, anxious, super focused, overthinking and really weighting every decision. Not sure if it always helps and for me playing like that doesn’t seem like so much fun. Additionally I kinda lose the dynamic a bit and point of view.

Because I was too focused on my decisions, which became the first and most important priority. Avoiding mistakes at all costs is the goal, playing sound and solid.

This approach is a bit tight and can be hard. The brain thinks that it is a good one, because on paper it is decent. However, in reality, not exactly an easy thing. Some cons and pros: high focus, deep thinking, following plan and approaching situations with the balance point of views; stronger emotions, good but narrow focus, energy spending, and pressure while playing.

I haven't been enjoying sitting and playing this month. Yeah things didn’t go my way, so nothing to enjoy there, finding non results wins and yet they aren’t bringing satisfaction. Been studying 3bet a bit and made some progress there. Actually before I thought people were overbluffing triple barrels there, because why not - too many combos to bluff, but after looking I made some notes. Well it is gonna help me while playing. Honestly 3bet spots are way too deep and complicated, there are too many strategies and range interactions depending on the size.

Don’t know, sometimes I feel quite excited and sometimes down, even during the day. Heh mood swings, will continue doing things and learning. I started to read books again and overall I do believe that I got stronger mentally and sharp. Besides being aware of not pushing too hard or the rise of perfectionism.

This month is not going anywhere, in September I have some outdoors plans in the middle of the month, and October will travel to Vietnam for couple of days.
Now time to rest a bit zZzzzzZzzz
Good luck

It has been quite a difficult month so far, my feelings telling me that I am unlucky and my brain/logic starting to pick up on it as well. Wanna complain and talk about it.

During some stretches I am really feeling like I don’t have something to get there (by get there I mean win). Like things don’t go my way and it’s not working out. It adds up from previous days and overall when you are playing you tend to start telling faster that story.

Another thing which is increasing emotions is comparison to best regs. If some reg is winning like a straight line I should do too, if I don’t, I need to push hard enough to be there. Well I am pushing hard - why am I not winning like them?
This is not exactly logic or brain telling, rather heart and if you are affected by stress, anxiety or already have strong enough emotions. That voice overtaking everything. And it keeps repeating and telling other things about it. It doesn’t criticise or say bad things to me, but it is really worried about me and very vigilant. Seeing dangers and threats, predicting worst case scenarios, solving and finding solutions on the fly. Increasing pressure to play better which is not exactly helping. But at least focus is super high.

Why do I compare myself to others?
I think it is pretty natural for me and maybe even a bit of a habit. I compared myself to others a lot before, and because I also have some stuff in me, I kinda feel a bit worse than others usually. Probably have to do with self esteem and confidence too. That’s too deep now, let's come back to the surface.
Seems okay to compare with regs, we all play the same game and all compete at the tables. But comparing the best of the best is a bit too much.

Alright how I see it by mind - so those regs keep winning, they play good that’s for sure. Probably they also run well too, which is an explanation which doesn’t come from a feelings point of view. And if you look at top players for results, you're gonna see purest runs as well. By the way I also checked losers list and it made me feel a bit better. I found quite many strong players there.

Overall I am getting better a bit with dealing with difficulties but yeah not as good as I expect and want to be. Actually like that in many areas. Progress takes time and as well, after you improve you just set the next target. So you are behind your expectations all the time. Also there is another thing - I tend to get tilted faster than the most players I think, it is annoying of course. And that area is really hard to get any progress.

Hm, I will rest for now, let's see what next week will bring. Gonna try to enjoy playing a little more than I did recently.

I came back from home and vacation last week. It was quite nice to rest and feel fresh (well a bit less now). During that period of time I didn’t stress or worry much, and I felt myself fully. You know, when I work and get back to my schedule and routine, I start to feel a bit of tension and the overall quality of my life becomes slightly worse. Maybe everything in that way that I can be more productive and try hard but in exchange I’m getting more stress and tension. It is a lot easier to do things and I have more energy, yet I get more anxiety and worries when things are pending to do or undone.

Well, rest was great, enjoyed food, summer and played a bit of basketball. Also got a bit of holiday weight and suntan. What did I like the most? I think about how I feel, it is a different person than I am now and I like that person more. It is a little bit more kind of person and I’m enjoying moments more too.

Now I have come back to playing and the first days felt really fresh and like I don’t have anything accumulated or holding me (like a weight). Even though technically I wasn’t the sharpest and also mentally wasn’t super prepared or top notch.

After a couple of days I am feeling like before. My game (I feel) is becoming more sharp and I orientate better overall. Nevertheless feeling more emotions (irritation, anger) and stress. Also kinda mentally meh, trying to be observant and mindful but feel a bit weaker than before. I feel like I want to talk more, have desire and expectations to win and EGO. I want to prove my point and don’t like to be wrong.

Gonna be step by step, meditation, mindfulness and self reflection. Noticing irritation, dissatisfaction and accepting strong emotions without fight. Supporting myself and creating a healthy environment. I think I can move in the right direction and have a happier life. But yes, I need to stop striving for perfection and ideal. Just taking my own speed and being aware of my feelings and emotions. Not pushing so hard and getting rest.

I played a bit, kinda difficult and made mistakes because I didn't know how to play a few interesting situations. Poker is hard in that terms, there are too many different things to keep in mind and can’t apply something everywhere. Mistakes - where you think how you suppose to play and how it actually need to play are frustrating and making me down. It is not like I expect to nail down perfectly, it is just making me realise that I don’t know a lot. Which is a very good feedback, but nevertheless making me down.

Anyway, keeping it real, playing and learning
Good luck this week and next

July

+3300 from untracked

Thoughts and ideas:
1. I will keep working and learning how to accept uncertain losing spots
2. Some spots are uncertain and I can blame myself for my play afterwards which got this result. Pressure will increase and also desire to win and to recoup one's losses. It is contributes to rise of anxiety and stress
3. Sometimes I need to look from the side, to the game itself, dynamic and my strategy. People strategy might didn’t change but my emotions could be telling differently (like they are attacking me)
4. Fear of getting outplayed and fear of not being good as I think right now (pain of realization), fear of not winning or improving
5. Poker for me is super interesting - that’s an advantage, I have experience to deal with strong emotions because I feel them oftenly; acceptance and self awareness also my strength because it is tied with feelings and sensitivity
6. It is hard to play with full focus and attention and still lose and fold. It is hard to play when everything is on the line.

Targets: Be observant towards fear and worrying
Ways - breathing exercise, noticing disturbance and trouble,
self supportive talk and acceptance. Right here and right now like it is.

I feel like this month I played a lot more nl1000 and higher, in % comparison to nl500. There was a lot of action which is awesome. I studied and was learning SRP EPvsBB. I saw a few unintuitive things and I need to visit this situation again in the future. For sure easy to forget or slip away with time. Of course the most important thing is ranges and how they are interacting.
I picked up good physical shape and my overall state was better than average, even though I had few periods of sadness and melancholy.
I feel sad that I won't play anymore this month. Gonna miss the game and sitting at the tables thinking about ranges. Variance can be different and things also can be different, it is uncontrollable and I need to show effort and keep showing up.
Gonna keep working on theory, practise and also being clear and healthy in my mind. Meditation is important, mindfulness and awareness, acceptance and letting go. Working and learning every day.

Freedom comes from knowing the difference.
Confidence comes from mastering what’s yours.
Peace comes from letting go of what never was

I am going home for 2 weeks and will play again in August. Today I felt down on my ass and it hurts, pain :( In the evening gonna have long flight!

Good luck in August

It has been quite a good action at nl1000 and above. That’s always nice to see and makes me more happy and interested. I was thinking that it might be due to the world cup. Nevertheless, it's exciting and motivates me. Also a bit of really high games (nl5000 and above), good times! Games running, money flowing, someone might have a really profitable month, someone opposite. Variance is the same for everybody. She doesn’t have a favourite or chosen one. Things can go differently. Mastering what you can control and letting go of things which never were.

I see people battling HU a bit, that makes me want to try too. For now I am not, because my HU game is not good and in order to be playing I need to know at least ranges and how different situations work. Let’s not even talk about deep stack and short stack strategy. Plenty of things and very complex as well. Someone told that HU is an absolutely different game, especially compared to 6 max. That is likely to be true.
I remember watching berrisweet playing against linus and make, wow those times were golden. They are super strong to play at that level and those stakes. Great motivation and models to look up to.

Maybe I am gonna try HU this year, but before that I need to spend many hours studying, training and learning. And yeah, I am also not so sure about my mindset. It will be pretty hard to play I suppose from a mental standpoint, because there might be more emotions and painful situations. HU is looking more personal and EGO is higher as well in general. You are playing against one player.

At the same time so much in 6 max to learn and master. That HU is not really a priority, it looks interesting but will it be profitable and a decent investment?

Poker is so much fun, it is so interesting and great. Probably that is my strong side, because I really love playing and learning. It is harder to compete with people who have motivation, interest and they also love what they are doing. Yes, I had periods of low motivation and interest, but overall mostly I enjoy everything. It is just too awesome and very lucky to play. Days are going fast, weeks and months, ohh I really wish it was slower. Time, why need to go that fast?

I am enjoying moments (not always hehe). Strong emotions, anxiety and stress are things which isn’t making me happy and make time unpleasant. Especially if fighting it.
I am trying to do meditation (mindfulness - breathing practice) in the morning, and after finishing playing poker. With the first one I was consistent for I don’t know how many years and second I was doing maybe for 1 year and not everyday. But being in general consistent and finding time for ‘‘undoing state’’ and being with myself fully.

Good luck and stay healthy

Oh today was quite an interesting day. I think I played in one session which was a lot longer than usual, more nl1000 hands than all last month!
Actually I felt impossible to leave the table, my emotions to continue playing and win back money were strong. Nevertheless, the game itself wasn’t the hardest, because of its pace and weak player strategy. I said to myself, the game is too good and I need to play. And I didn’t feel tired or fatigued. Because it is high stakes - I was very interested and involved. Besides, I was confident in what I was doing.

Something didn’t add up, me and other reg were the only persons losing there I think. But I felt like it was just a little thing which separated me from one side to another. Heh, just variance doing their stuff. Can’t complain much or get judgmental. Things can go differently.

The weak player was a very interesting one, I haven't seen him before or faced this type of strategy, I noticed he likes to bluffcatch and can be mergy. At the same time he doesn’t seem bluffy. At least in small/medium spots. In big spots for some reason he is folding. I valuebet him twice, putting all the stack in and he folded twice after tanking. Yet, in small spots he could call weak/bluffcatchers and so on. Yes, his strategy wasn’t an easy one and can’t be labeled. Not like usual player - aggro monkey, passive station, try hard to win and so on.

Don’t know but I also made a few debatable plays. Being sticky too and fighting to win. Kinda at some point lost my awareness and observation, starting to look at things from my perspective only. But realized it and came back to being present and mindful.

For now weekend is starting, it is time for rest. France looking really strong, gonna play against Spain right?
Good luck next week

Feeling under the weather and tired today. Anxiety and pressure added up from the first two days and previous week. Making me stressed more and my health decrease at some point. The body tells me that I need a rest and to reduce being super productive and trying hard. Okay, thank you and I am gonna listen.

It is quite tilting and irritating to lose, maybe because I play basically one table. Kinda easier to get frustrated and get a lot of attention on every passing spot. Sometimes giving judgements, overthinking and ruminating. Especially if it is by red line - ahh that can make me a lot more angry. Because you know - good players have an upwards red line and if you don’t have means you aren’t good. That’s not a logical conclusion, rather just feeling and belief deep inside. When they win against me by red line I am starting to get worried that it will be bad in the future and it is gonna tell things about it. Which is increasing pressure to play even better and fight everywhere. Increasing stress, anxiety and energy spent during the game.

When I lose continuously I also tend to get worrisome, because it is hard to take and overthinking certainly might come. Like - I am not good, they are better, I am gonna keep losing, need to do something else.

Overtime tension and irritation pile up and it is harder to carry. Reducing overall mental energy and just quality of life. When you are angry, it is easier to get even more angry and things start to become more annoying. Strong rain - can make, advertisement on youtube and anything else. Well, need to keep attention and release some of the weight. Otherwise everything gonna become tougher and less pleasant.

But at the same time it is hard to always enjoy playing, when luck is not in your favour, when you lose uncertain spots and face aggression everywhere. Even when rec players smashing you like knowing your strategy. That's not an enjoyment, it is rather an exhausting and emotional fight. Because I tend to put everything on the line as well. Black and white - either you did good or failed.

That’s enough if it - hehe lets change course.
Soon I'm gonna have a vacation and will rest. Chilling, enjoying summer and being lazy and not productive. Taking care of my mind and just relaxing, stressing less or overthinking. Have some plans and ideas about what to do. Rest is a super good thing. It is hard to see it in that way. But it really is. Can feel.

Last weekend I took a day off to a nice chill vibe hotel near the lake. Little outside of town, or on the outskirts. Oh so pleasant experience and recharged some batteries. But time goes too fast, ohhh! Why did time go so slow when I was kid and need to go to school.
This weekend I also have a one day trip. And next weekend maybe just gonna play cards for one day.

Watching the results of the world cup closely. It is a very interesting tournament this time. A lot of battles and surprises. Quite a lot of fun, let's see how it will unfold. We witness something great.

Allright, I'm gonna rest for now. It's been a long and tiring Wednesday.
Good luck

In June I won a jackpot for 3000$. I was lucky to sit at the table and get part of the prize. After that I started to think about luck and all things which happened previously (getting sick, shoulder pain, tooth and so on) and felt a bit guilty for complaining and focusing on it. Things really can go differently and better to sometimes not make fast conclusions. One moment everything is ‘‘good’’, next moments can become ‘‘bad’’ - hm, also want to avoid calling things good and bad.

But also if everything goes good it doesn’t mean that it will be bad in the future. Because thinking about it might bring worries and anxiety.

June

+4900 from untracked
Thoughts and ideas:
1. Benefit from rest - dropping accumulated emotions, dynamic and history. As well as variance, playing hands and resetting expectations. Besides can look at things with ‘‘clear view’’
2. Accepting losing - it is not a verdict and not an indication that the future will be terrible. Shouldn't make quick conclusions, things might go differently
3. Only winning bb tells about good strategy and performance? Can I play well and lose bb?
4. I can’t control decisions of other players and their thoughts
5. My identity might be tightly attached and dependent from quality of my game (mistakes, dissatisfaction with my plays, variance)
6. I will keep learning how to cope and accept uncertain spots which I lost (ruminations, analyze, need for control)

Targets:
Being observant and mindful towards annoyance and irritation
Ways - Notice when something makes me angry, watch the overall state and
things I’ve already accumulated. Release and let go

This month I was sick a bit and recovered in a couple of weeks. Nevertheless I made a good effort and showed up to play every day. Even if it was hard and I got tired quickly.
I haven't seen a lot of action (higher limits even less) and I was selecting the games. Looking for good tables and quitting unprofitable ones. I didn't regwar and was observant of what I was playing. Maybe summer is quite dry and there are less people playing in general.
I studied a couple of interesting things and I hope I learned a little. Overall I spent a decent amount of time working away from the tables. As usual I tried hard and did my honest effort.

From an emotional point of view it was a bit irritating and annoying. Health, life and things around. I wasn't particularly happy as well. Mostly moment by moment and affected by mood swings. Not as high as years ago, still wasn’t excited about it. Overall a bit of a hard period and unpleasant but I got experience and learned. Mindfulness helps but if too much inside and it is strong, it's gonna influence behaviour and mood. As well as expectations and EGO were higher, that’s one connected to other things I think.

Good luck in July
Stay healthy

It has been quite a few difficult days and especially the last session. It was a bit painful and irritating a lot. I kinda had some ego and expectations, desire and want to win and to play solid, balanced and good. Those expectations might increase frustration and annoyance if things go rough. Losing is very unpleasant and hurting. Especially if you were wrong in assumptions or got outplayed.

Some uncertain and big spots make me ruminate and think about them. Going over and thinking what I should’ve done differently. Trying to analyze and find a solution. Well only big spots which were lost, if I won I rarely go over them and with the same intensity. Maybe it is my desire to control everything and feeling that if I did differently I wouldn’t be in this place. You know, there are thinking that if you choose everywhere right action you not gonna feel bad, regret, nor gonna lose oftenly. Seems like a dream. Just not good enough right now, don’t know many areas and as well not always focused. Anyway, that’s an illusion. Too much uncertainty and variance. Can’t control those but yet trying and fighting.

I feel (not sure probably it is just a feeling) that I’ve been calling down people and they keep showing value (regs). Calling weird lines, calling big sizes, being sticky and yet seeing value. Variance? Strategy? My mistakes?
To be honest I don’t really know, dynamic certainly changes overtime and if it is now stationary and value-heavy that's also okay. Yet, I don’t see many of my valubets being paid off. Hmmm. No conclusion, not judging or thinking a lot about it. Paying attention and observing. Sometimes plays work and other times not.

Recovering and getting better. That's good news. More energy and interest as well. Poker is going with ups and downs, throughout the day and the month. Some days feel quite dry and today was actually an action packed one. Yet, it made me feel tension and tilted at the end.
Time is going extremely fast and I’m quite happy in general. Have many things to be grateful about and feel proud of. Sometimes I remind myself about it, otherwise it is too easy to forget and not notice all the good you have and focus only on one negative. Emotions can be strong and that’s okay, I have strength in awareness and accepting what I feel. Probably feel a lot more than the average player, but also have higher mindfulness and awareness.

Good luck
Happy summertime and enjoy the process instead of outcome

Last week was quite challenging and difficult overall. All week pretty much didn’t feel well. Seems like a virus I caught a week before was strong and I didn’t expect that it would be like that. Even today I don’t feel fully recovered.

I also have problems with teeth and additionally my shoulder is not fully recovered as well. Last friday as well I might’ve sprained my wrist doing pretty much nothing (just leaning with the wrong grip). That one is really frustrating. Today I listened to a podcast with Play4livin on mechanics, and started to feel better to be honest and it is good to hear other people with their thoughts, advice and experience. Many nice things I listened to and it was a pleasant one for sure. Don’t support people writing in the comments - that it is hard to listen because of some ‘‘sticky words’’ a person is using. I didn’t notice and it definitely didn’t affect my experience in a negative way. Cheers for coming and making a podcast!

Myself, I'm quite moody, negative and annoyed in recent days. I feel like I have accumulated a bit of emotions and feelings, now some things are getting more irritating and making me frustrated. Expectations didn’t match reality, my physical condition isn’t the best, my rest also wasn’t and my sleep too. Have been coughing a bit : (
That’s okay, I notice what is going on, I will practise mindfulness and acceptance. I probably have to do some uncomfortable things and expose myself a bit. But I'm gonna pick myself up, support and do what I can.

Can’t always feel great right? Can’t avoid strong emotions or live a life without anything discomforting and unpleasant?
Gotta learn, gotta get experience and overcome obstacles. But of course step by step and with my pace. Happy for what I have and what I can do. Grateful. It is great to play poker, eat yummy food, have a rest and see the sun almost everyday. Quite easy to complain of course and find different sides in everything that is happening. But sometimes I need to come back to being aware and supportive of self-talk. As well, do not put yourself with many thoughts, irritations, or anger.

Anyway, half a month seems to have passed. Too fast, crazy speed! I will follow the world cup a bit, always exciting to look at scores.
Unhappy that I didn't play nl1000 this month almost at all, hmmm, that’s okay - let’s see, maybe games are gonna pick up and opportunities will arise.

Good luck!

Played first day for this month. It was quite interesting and I feel lighter and also more easy. Like I don’t have history or accumulated emotions.

Before I started to play I was thinking even though it is generally interesting to play, emotions might be difficult and discomforting. Especially when they start to pile up over a period of time. Anger, frustration, dissatisfaction, happiness and sadness right after, making it less exciting to start. Well can call all of that - suffering. And reducing it is what I am looking for.

Benefits are easy to spot - improving quality of life, social interactions, happiness and reducing worries and stress which gonna improve health as well.
However it is a long way and journey. And I don’t think that it is gonna be a day when I can feel absolutely calm and even annoying things not gonna make me reactive. But I certainly can decrease the amount of it and make it lighter. That's what I am here for.

One day a random thought came to me. Like other people (for example directors, managers, ceo) improve their skills with social interactions, solving tasks and problems, dealing with issues and so on. I improve my understanding of myself and everything inwards. I can improve and become much stronger in discipline, in organising myself and will power but at the same time will struggle with some areas like expressing emotions, talking with strangers, explaining etc.
Everyone develops their own set of skills and can’t really judge or criticise them because they might need and use it more.

Anyway, last week's holidays were fantastic. I can't write or express how good it was. A lot of swimming, enjoying the sun and other activities. Just time goes too fast - that’s a downside. At the end I started to feel under the weather and my shoulder still hurts sometimes . But that’s okay, I'm gonna recover day by day and feel better.
Also planning to study, play and revisit some mental notes.

Good luck

May

+2700 from untracked

Thoughts and ideas:
1. What helped me with stress and anxiety - self talk and support, acceptance, confidence rise, time.
2. If I am missing something it doesn’t mean that I am not trying enough or not fully focused. It is just complexity of the game and large amount of details and information.
3. It is very interesting to play and think about spots. Poker has enormous depth and it is impossible to grasp it all. Can’t know it all and if I think I do, it is time to learn.
4. Emotion is a state in which I am in, it is not possible to feel nothing. However, every feeling will change and disappear with time. Happiness, sadness, anger, frustration, joy…
5. I can fully focus on spots and think very deeply about them. Yet it won’t guarantee winning those situations and easy session. I will lose and make mistakes.
6. Losing, winning reflects luck more than skill and strategy. Results won’t give true satisfaction and happiness, however other metrics can.

Targets:
Every day of June I will try to find one thing I did with
confidence on that day, or manage good. As well as where I showed
courage in the past. Ways - in the morning about the past and in the
evening about the day. Can write it or say it out loud. If I say then
with confident and strong voice.

Played high stakes this month if had seats, also observed nl2000 lobby with consideration to play a decent table. Actually games were quite frequent however not the type I wanted to participate in.
My discipline is really on point throughout May and dedication. A lot of study hours and time with GTOwizard. Reviewed all blunder hands from April and will start May now. Had a few difficult and tough days, played them even if physically I wasn't feeling great. Rested good as well which is very important and worth mentioning.
The month was flying, it felt like time was going incredibly fast. Minutes, hours, days, weeks. At the end I started to feel pressured and higher than average tension. Didn’t want to lose and was worrying about results. Tension while playing and anxiety. The start was easier and calm.

Sometimes I am losing confidence, well it is decreasing. Similar to motivation and interest. However motivation picking up and confidence is affected by variance and uncertainty more than I wish. A solid amount of wins and I am quite mindful and observant.
Continue learning
Next week is resting, traveling and time off from laptop

Good luck in June

Up until today in this month, it feels like I haven’t played a lot of nl1000 and higher. Last month was more it seems like (but again I am not fully confident). I saw some games running but didn’t get there or they didn’t last long. Don’t think I was risk averse to play it, but a bit lazy to be honest. Sometimes even nl500 seems hard enough that I don't want to look for higher stakes. Also a bit scared of higher games in a few rooms, because of my own reasons.

Variance quite big in poker and how you run in higher games will define your monetary results. Players are also better and more tricky, but still human who are making mistakes and not knowing every single situation. It doesn’t mean when you play it, you're gonna get crushed in every node. Actually if players try to overaggro you - that might backfire to them. I feel like the two worst things which can be - if you are too aggro or too passive. Aggro better still, because it is harder to deal with and generally more opportunities vs rec players.

WPN has some nl2000 running almost every day, even with reasonable rec. Also with some live regs I suppose. Not really that profitable but challenging and discomforting for sure. At the stars I also saw a bit, which is good news! Higher games are exciting to see. Pretty difficult to get a seat though, but possible nevertheless. Also, maybe just a feeling, I noticed that there are less regs nowadays than 2 years ago. Of course there are new regs, who moved up and etc, but some names from the past I don’t see anymore. Besides, people are less interested in regbattling as well, compared to the past.

Studying, studying and studying. Learning, revisiting, reminding, forgetting, processing and so on. Nlhe 6 max has such a depth that it is impossible to know everything and keep the track off. Even the difference between nl500 preflop and nl1000 preflop is quite decent, because of rake of course. After learning something new or just studying, it feels more interesting to play. But not always exciting to study, routine can be boring and things are repetitive. Can’t always be joyful and happy to do it. That’s okay, step by step.
Also having a bit of health issues, that’s annoying and irritating because I need to adjust and it's unpleasant when it is not fully comfortable. Kinda fighting and not accepting reality, suffering from that and having more dissatisfaction.

Good luck, stay healthy <3

Today I decided to take some time off from studying and do thinking and reflecting. Actually I’m feeling my perfectionism started to rise a bit and grip too. I’m looking for certainty in my schedule,my order, doing things exactly as before. Anything new or change is treated like a danger and something which can throw away balance and ruin everything. Bit sensitive approach to be honest and quite rigid. Obviously it makes sense, because I can feel more calm and relaxed being in comfort. Less stress and worries which make it easier to do things.

Not sure why perfectionism tends to increase from time to time. It may have to do with the habits maybe, or past experience. Kinda want to do things the same as before and that would make me feel pretty good. Because I can be confident in what I am doing and can deal with emotions. Confidence is important - it reduces stress and overthinking. As long as it is not overconfident :)

Perfectionism is quite connected to worries, anxiety. If you don't do things very well you second guess yourself and are afraid of mistakes or something bad happening because of you. It has to do with the fact that you aren’t sure of yourself and your capability, sometimes thinking that you will autopilot and make mistakes. Or forget something important and it will cause catastrophe. That's all increasing pressure and the need for perfection. It will be stress free and sure that you did things well.

Don’t know but it comes back and forth in poker and real life. In poker thinking about spots I’m lost, coming back to the past and looking for a better solution to not feel what I feel. Also can be in playing only good games and instantly jumping if games become worse. For now it is more about life and poker studying, where I can feel a bit of tension and tightness. Think more in life. Especially at checking everything multiple times and making order. No cluttered table, unfinished tasks or wasting time.

Probably anxiety feeds those needs for certainty and control. Also fear of emotional pain and strong emotions. Regret, frustration, guilt, unworthiness. A perfectionism in that sense is a shield which protects at all costs from those emotions. If perfectionism will be gone, it won’t be better - because now there's gonna be more stress and worries. Also how can I keep calm and clarity, surrounded by chaos and thoughts.

Question: Can anyone bring a perfectionism example in poker?
-Trying to play like a solver
-Looking for ideal decisions

But don’t ask chatgpt hehe

Good luck to everybody! May be wonderful and sunny

I’m feeling like my motivation and interest are decreasing a bit. Probably it has to do with many things: for example previous months results, studies, being tired a little, variance and availability of high stakes games. It's okay to have a period of plateaus, totally normal and impossible to always be motivated and inspired. I will ask myself questions - What poker gives me? Why do I need to study and try to improve? What earnings can give me? Why do I play and what do I want in life?
And similar to that

Maybe also wanting to have a reward from routine studies, from playing and trying hard. When it is not so exciting- it can be less interesting. Like you wake up to play, you played your best, things were around 0 and if it happens day to day. Might become boring and dull. In that situation it is good to reflect, think why we are doing what we are, about nice things and more. Can be exciting from time to time too.

Actually studies are still very interesting for me, even in those periods, because I am always finding something new and what I was doing/thinking wrong. Deept is soooo big, many things to catch and look at, endless growth. Even the simplest street preflop is full of possibilities and options. It is impossible to do perfectly and make all frequencies balanced. Postlop is just another level, it is also coming from preflop so deviating by the start.
Sometimes things might look simple and spots somewhat trivial, but in those times also can find interest and be involved. Being observant, try to think about spots from another angle, taking notes and finding exploits. Paying attention to the gameflow and what other players might feel.

Anyway, I can write about poker a lot. Many things and thoughts come to my mind. From the game itself, to studies, to reads and exploits, to strategy, to soft skills …..

Yesterday I was playing and I got a spot on the river where the opponent probed river 150% after I skipped turn second barrel. I had okish bluffcather, below average I think. Honestly wanted to just call, because you know, it's easy to overbluff. But can’t call every bluffcatcher right? That might be a profitable strategy and making money in this spot and right now. However if I call everything there reasonable, wouldn’t I be overdoing it? ‘‘Not really’’
Will people adjust? ‘‘Maybe not’’
Do people really overbluff with that size in this situation? ‘‘Maybe not’’

So I don’t want to go into that thinking fully. I want to be observant and pay attention to other things as well.

Wrote a lot and in multiple takes. Phew, the weekend is about to start quite soon. Will rest and restore energy. Everything so far is decent, feeling happier than average and can’t complain. Don’t want to jinx or talk too much if things are going rather good, ‘‘good like quiet’’.

Thanks for reading
Good luck

April

+1600 from untracked

Thoughts, observations, ideas:
1. Chico has too little timebank and fast gameflow for thinking about the decisions and analysing situations. Pressure and need to make fast actions, in that case missing something and making mistakes is part of the strategy.
2. Thoughts after emotionally difficult situations? - I feel like I made a mistake and didn't play well, that’s why I lost the spot. - I failed because … - I reviewed similar situations before but still don’t know what to do now. Emotions - regret, anger, frustration.
3. Perfect strategy won’t get rid of emotions and bitterness, also don't get rid of mistakes and wrong assumptions. Poker is a complex game with endless depth.
4. Win is to finish a hard day and feel better than a year ago. For example: more clarity, faster recovery.

About emotions and feelings:
1. Mistakes connected with strong emotions and stress, EGO, can create bigger emotional responses and feelings of regret. Also big exploit decisions.
2. I am afraid and worry a lot about losing and having ‘‘strong unpleasant feelings afterwards’’. That's uncomfortable, painful and adds more worries and rumination. Nevertheless I coped and overcame it.

Targets: Do little more good deeds for others. Ways - reminding myself
about it, effect on my own life and mind.

I worked on my psychology with a specialist and reviewed a few interesting topics. About poker and regwars, games and opportunities, tasks and problems. I plan to come back to the main theme and continue discovering it. Honestly, there are many things to study and visit.
I believe I didn’t reflect much in this month. When you don’t do anything except sitting and thinking. Can be thinking with a goal or just letting random thoughts come and go. However I regularly did meditation and that’s a success.

For the first time in my life I played nl5000, just 12 hands though, far more was played on nl2000 where I ended up losing. Yet, I felt good after and happy the way I played and how I dealt with big spots. Also was more calm and relaxed than I anticipated. Aware and mindful.

Tasks kept bothering me and I felt disturbed and uneasy. Also it increased my discomfort and unpleasant mind. Couldn’t finish them. If I don’t think about them or try to solve, then it is easier and I feel better.

Studying sometimes makes me rush through the day and feel anxious, with a desire to be on time and have time for study. That’s interesting.
I played without eurorooms, at the start it was difficult and uncomfortable, after a lot more interesting and my motivation increased. Don’t know but it feels like a new side of poker opened for me and more to think and do.

Good luck in May <3

Over the last couple of weeks a few unfinished tasks are bothering and disturbing me. I don't really want to think about them and it seems like it is not possible to solve them for now. So that’s annoying and makes me uneasy whenever I invest time for them. It's a bit frustrating and unhappy, so avoiding them becomes a valuable strategy. Since at least not spending mental energy looking for an answer (solution).

Because of those tasks I start to pick up small ones as well and overthink them. Like needing to contact the bank, update some software, etc. Overall this whole week was more tense and worrisome. Which is reasonable and allright, sometimes good to release it and take a step back. Happiness also reduces an overall quality of life, kinda hard to be fully happy and enjoy all the moments when some important things are heavy on the shoulders.

It has all brought me to chasing time and tasks almost everyday. Rushing a bit with activities and getting nervous when behind my own plan. Being productive and vigilant non stop. When I have free time I think about what I will do with it? And when I don't do something I planned it is annoying and makes me stressed.

After some thinking I noticed that everything takes much more time compared to my plans. Let me give an example - I planned to do 2 things with my computer in the evening for 3 hours. After that time completed I realised that I didn’t finish it fully and besides found a few more things to do. Okay 3 hours passed, I turned off the computer and felt a bit of tension. Not only it didn’t go as planned but also a few more things to be done. Make me think that I need to invest additional time in the future for them and don’t do something else instead.

It all comes down to tasks often taking more time than we think. Either we are too optimistic, overestimate ourselves or didn’t exactly correct in our guess, but a 1 hour task might become 1.5 hours. But that is not all. Usually more things will come up, like needing to do X and Y. But it is almost never a case that a task gets done by itself. Of course some might but super rare. Not like laundry is gonna get done by itself, not like the floor will mop itself or software gets updated smoothly all the time.
Anyway long story short - every task takes more time than what we think. It might be irritating if it doesn't go as planned or wanted.
Can delegate some, others do by yourself.

Speaking of time I have quite many thoughts but I will keep it to myself for now. Just think that time does not fully exist. Only right now, or this moment. The past is the moment before, and the future is …
No idea…

Let’s come back to poker. Ohhh, I feel like I have so many things to study, to learn, so many hands to review. Hands from March and till now, situations to revisit (3bets, SRP OOP), concepts to remind, spots to test and more.
That’s what I am gonna do, quite enjoyable and so complex. But complexity makes it a lot more interesting, right?

Good luck, stay healthy and safe everyone

Finished playing for today and coming back to the tables next Thursday. Tomorrow I will take a trip to the beach. Gonna spend 2 days there and pretty much do nothing. I don't want any activities except swimming. I'm a bit tired and emotionally too after everything which happened in the last weeks.

I need some time to refresh my mind, clear my head, and get out of my usual routine. Time to stop being productive and tense, time for being present and enjoy the things around. Can be lazy, relaxed and unorganized.

Actually it is super hot here in April, like the hottest month of the year. It is hard to be outside during the daytime and not healthy as well. But it's very nice to swim after sunset or early in the morning. And yeah it is almost Songkran so everyone will play and splash water. It's probably gonna be a big celebration which is good to skip, because it's too crowded and not that funny. Well, maybe for one time.

I played pretty much for two weeks in slightly different rooms and I found it interesting to be honest. Actually a lot more interesting, also motivating. Games for sure are not better (also less action), but dynamic seems not the same and overall game flow. Finding it is enjoyable to think deeply and find small details. For example how people play and approach the game, they are more on a sticky side or passive, aggressive and try hard to win spots, or somewhat balanced and precise. Well, people make mistakes and play very far from optimal. Even preflop (myself included). Also different types of recreational players are fun to battle. Even if they aren’t bad, they still have something special.

I didn’t regwar much, didn’t add anything new and also studied but not a lot. Was reading about Coin poker, many people really loved it before the changes, yeah, now it doesn’t seem that interesting with that massive rake and increased ante.
One very good reg who is blogging, said ‘‘it was his favourite room and he played there up to nl5k’’. Another HU crusher mentioned along the same lines, but he said even before changes rake in HU was high.
It's a bit depressing to be honest, we had a good room, now we have another below/around average. Hm, need to accept and take it as a reality, can’t complain because it won’t bring anything or change.

Okay, time to pack the luggage, take my swimming trucks and prepare for a lot of sun, salt smell, sounds of the waves and sand in my shoes.
Happy easter and good luck in upcoming week

March

Additionally 1k from untracked, however money is stuck in the rooms and I don’t know how to get it out. From skrill at least I almost withdrew all.

Thoughts and ideas:

1) What is happening right now? In this exact moment don’t have fear, worries, anxiety; it is all about the future or the past. Here and now.
2) Mistakes in the poker session don’t reflect on previous or future sessions. Can’t know everything and predict the future.
3) Who do I want to be? A very strong theory player or resilient and happy person, observant to things around.
4) Only winning tells me that I am playing good? If I lost - is it really failing? What does losing and mistakes tell about me?

About variance:
In some rooms I am winning, in other rooms I might be losing. This is variance, not a bad strategy or adjustments.

Notes:
1) I can be confident in myself and trust more. Because I am learning and improving, I am trying and not giving up, I am making thoughtful decisions, stress and anxiety changing to concentration and calm, I am overcoming tough sessions and losing.
2) It is important to let go of accumulated emotions (high effort and tight grip as well), reflect and rest.

Targets: Increase my confidence. Ways to do so - repeating and
reminding my strong qualities and strengths, reflecting, noticing
inner wins, revisiting past victories and work done.

I feel like the variance was in high numbers this month. Nl1000 as well. A couple of days were very difficult and I felt unlucky and complained about having a ‘‘bad day’’.
I had 3 sessions with a psychologist. One session had to be canceled but at that time I really wanted it, but unfortunately couldn’t do it.

At the end of the month pressure increased and some stressful events occurred. Making me have to take a day off and think about what is going on and how to proceed. I will be observant and understanding. Emotions and feelings are normal and part of life, I can't avoid them or block them completely, so when I feel something strongly it is not a failure it is a feature. But sometimes we need to release it and let it go, otherwise over time they will snowball too big and cause stress/worries and reduce quality of life. Sometimes ego is higher than average, expectations, desire to be/to do and effort. This is worth awareness.

Ok, I'm gonna keep working and studying. I know something and can do things as well, I have strength and confidence (not always though :)). Can play under pressure and stress, thinking and making decisions.

Good luck in April